I had an interesting encounter with one of the elders in the institution recently, and he was really puzzled seeing a moonchild hanging around in a place like an academic institution that drains everyone dry. The teachers are overworked and asked to do academic bullshit and meaningless paperwork that prevents them from doing something meaningful, either with the lives of the students or with their own unlives, and of course, the pay is pathetic. He advised me to leave the job and to just do something else as fast as I could and to find a better place to work at, because the ones that do work in there have somehow become addicted to being a teacher. He insisted that "teaching is a drug", and it has the same effects of that of a drug, that it drains you and prevents you from thriving and moving on to the next stages. He said that it's a rewarding and a respectful position that you can never get from any other job, and that both the students will respect and admire you by addressing you with a honorific, and society will also see you with respect, and you get a nice little kick when someone smiles at you and addresses you with respect. The sad ventrue next to me looked like he zoned out and probably didn't understand what he was talking about, because all of this is too abstract unless you can really get it, but I do.
He's obviously talking about narcissistic supply, and narcissistic supply just works like any other drug. It's addictive, and being a teacher puts you in a position of power and authority over impressionable and malleable minds that there's a sick power fantasy going on that I was able to feel even if I had just barely started working on my responsibilities. He told me about a few other teachers who had settled and rooted themselves firm, even if the pay that they get is quite less, and they had made their wives work to make up for the cost of living and other important expenses that they're responsible for. They're happy and addicted, and he's definitely implying that the pay never gets better. I'm literally earning peanuts right now so I'm going to abandon any hope about this.
Surprisingly, I find another interesting aspect to being a teacher that is addictive but this wasn't mentioned by him. Of course, who wants to be a bad guy in here, but I am able to do things that I wouldn't be able to if I were in another job. I'm able to manipulate students, punish them if they made me feel triggered, and amuse myself as I see them do things that I tell them to. I'm able to harness my secondary psychopathy because I am in a position to, and someone who isn't responsble with this power will surely leave a trial of destruction behind in the lives of the hundreds of students they interact with every day. I bet a lot of these teachers that I'm around with will qualify for displaying subclinical narcissistic and psychopathic traits that they get to disperse onto young and impressionable lives of all age and gender, so in a way they're all like one of the kindred. I saw a ventrue trying to cope with his bestial failure by asserting dominance over clueless students while threatening to punish them, beat them up and screaming abusive words at them, and all I could do was turn my gaze and stand aside because I don't want to stop or fight back. Another ventrue boldly and proudly told me that he once slapped a student so hard to send a message that displayed authority. Another toreador kept insisting that I should humiliate the students academically and make them look embarassed among his fellow peers to control him and get respect from. I don't want to do any of this. All of this is addictive, and the beast in me urges me to do these things because it knows that I'll like it, and I did like it. This is sadistic and disgusting to think about, but definitely addictive.
And finally, I feel very impressed at myself and the intellect I exhibit when a student asks an interesting question and I zone out for a few seconds, while they patiently wait for me to reply something, then I nail the answer to the point they get really impressed at me that I know what I'm talking about, or when I give a really elaborate explanation, going across concepts that jump from Chemistry, to Ecology, to Industrial Standards, and they just listen to me patiently till I reach the destined conclusion that connects everything, or if it's the best part, seeing a girl whom I had just finished teaching to do something perfectly as instructed and asking me if it's right, and then I tell them that they've done a really great job, really triggers the fixer urges in me. This is the ultimate form of control, to make someone do the exact thing that you told them to, and I feel addicted to it, and I want to help them even more so that they get the best grades they possibly could. This too, is an addiction, and it's engulfing.
Like all addiction stories, teaching affects my family. I think about teaching constantly. I bring home stories that are difficult to hear. I can’t attend awards ceremonies or field trips. I can’t be there for my children when they are sick during the school day. I spend hours of family time grading papers and researching for class. My children feel guilty when their throats start to hurt because they know it means that I will have to write sub plans. I cannot pay for them to attend camps or take ballet lessons, horseback riding lessons, or gymnastics. Because of my addiction, my children feel the struggle I feel to pay every bill. They feel the effects of my addiction when they need new shoes or want money for things that their friends have. They feel shame when they bring their friends to our shabby house.
-- Rebecca Berlin Linfield
A lot happened in the past couple of weeks.
Despite initial attempts to try to politely plead and indicate that I'm being asked to do work that I am not responsible for, and also being forced to take up responsibilities that I do not want to or have any idea about, I kept saying yes to everything that was pushed on to me until it reached a breaking point. I vented out at my official chat group, and selected messages from it got sent to the higher authorities. I should be careful about what I say or do in official chat group from now, and I should be careful to never say or do anything that is important without thinking about the consequences, or sleeping through it and still feel that it's important. A meltdown is never an effective way to communicate or get what I want, and unlike internet arguments, my actions in real life has serious consequences, under observation by people who are ready to take advantage of my vulnerability. As long as there is a prey, there will always be predators.
If it's important, then do it tomorrow.
Instances of gaslighting, lying, confabulation and misinformation that made me question my own reality. I was only able to understand the complete picture when I got the chance to actually sit in one of these weekly meetings and realize that my boss is a malignant narcissist. I should be careful of him as he is not concerned about me, but he is only concerned about getting work from me. I have heard many instances where he mentions the quote from The Godfather, "keep your enemies closer".
Youth and blessing of life grants me the ability to be relatable to the students around me, and I exchange information with them which helps me get an understanding of how far the jyhad influences their lives, which violates confidentality clause so I should stop doing it. Still, the problem is I convey, rather rat, these information to the neonates which makes things worse, as the neonates are mostly focused on self-presevation and aren't really concerned about the students and their own issues. I reported a zero tolerance violation and everyone were sent into a hysterical fit despite my request to leave me alone and how I wish to not say anything further. From now, I realize that I have to work in the shadows, and making a direct change by trying to establish a meaningful communication with these monsters will only hurt me.
A huge spy network exists, with owls, rats, bats and eagles watching every move and reporting it to the Nosferatu Sheriff. I really have to be careful, and his tentacles reach far and wide, at unexpected locations. Even the students are forced to play a part in the jyhad. Tread Carefully.
I accidentally caught a peek of Fluoro-Sis. Avoid similar incidents at all costs.
Trying to keep it short. I want to read these things again in future instead of getting frustrated it is too big, but it looks too empty. I can't find balance.
Last Updated: March 31, 2024 - Night 60