I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I don't exactly know how I feel about this but I got pryed open when I used the word introvert a couple of weeks ago to describe myself and it really made me feel uncomfortable. As an "introvert", I like to value my personal space and time where I can blend in the background and I'd prefer if the walkers don't really recognize or cared if I exist while I drift into my personal faerieland, but my cloak of shadows fails most of the time. Maybe I draw too much attention? I don't know. Talk to me when I want to talk to you, or when there's a genuine reason to talk to me, because I find it weird and uncomfortable if you do that the other times, because of all the masquerade violations that are imposed on me, so don't ever talk to me in front of the eyes that are watching, both the machineries and the fleshlings. Especially if you're an Evechild. Some serious shit going on around me that the Nos told me is some sick "Gestapo" shit. Besides, I really don't care to know more about you than what is demanded of me. I'm here to teach, nothing else. I'm not here to be your girlfriend, your mom, your therapist or your savior. I wish things could be like that but I'm being treated like I'm someone special, or am I actually letting everyone around me treat me like I'm special? It is really my responsibility to set my b-b-b-b-boundaries around me?
I like to think that the young ones like me, but they surely don't respect me. Some of them want to amuse themselves through me, and some of them see me as a vessel that's waiting for all the negativity and frustrations that are inside of you to be poured into me, while some of them ignore me, don't really care about me or acknowledge that I exist - thank god you all exist and respect my private space because this is what I expect, but not all the time and I do expect my presence to be recognized when it matters, when I'm in close proximity, and some of them recognize me and dominate me - the scary ones.
To the ones that think of me like a circus bear, what is your problem? Why do you care what my favorite food is or what I watched at the theatres? You want to know more about me? You come towards me, act like you're friendly, but I'm damn sure you're just trying to assess and deconstruct me, and why do you want to do that? Letting your cold empathy fire all over me? I'd rather trust the scary ones from whom I have to stay away and be aware of, but you guys are covert and scary as well. Which one is the worse? I don't know but I'm leaning towards the covert ones. The ones that are snakes, that hug you only to choke you and take a nice venomous bite at your neck. Yes, stay on alert around them. You push through my personal space, you put your hands around me, you impose your presence over me and make me feel small and fragile, you overpower the conversations that you think you are having with me but it's mostly just one way, you are the one that's talking, and if I am talking, you're just dissecting me piece by piece. You act like you like me, but you just want to take advantage of me because my fangs are not sharp. You make finger guys at me and you want me to act dead? Fine, I was stupid and I did it once to amuse you, and amuse myself, but a joke gets boring if you do it another time. I'm also stupid trying to preach moral values to these entitled young ones who only think about living in the moment and had nothing really substantial to tell me when I asked them all a simple question - asking them what they're all going to do with their existence once the expiry date is reached.
I had a drunk rambling about all this at the Lambda and someone in there gave me an interesting suggestion, that I don't really need to answer them or that I don't really owe them any explanations, and I could lie and joke my way through these questions that penetrate my defenses to make them lose control of the conversation. It's worth a shot.
To the ones that use me as a black vessel - it's overwhelming and it engulfs me, because yes, life is a bitch and it's not going to stop. Yes, this shithole is not a recognized landmark because the Camarilla doesn't want to draw too much attention, and everything is a business model to them where they get to enjoy their power while amusing themselves to satisy their periodic urges. There's nothing you can do about it, so just stay low in the limelight, survive, don't get yourself branded by them or hunted by the sheriff, and make it out of this meatgrinder in one piece. That's what I'm trying to do myself because every night is a struggle to survive, and the only thing that offers some sense of solace is doing a good job of what is asked and expected of me, and what I'm paid to do. Everything else from trying to make you shitheads better golems, asking you to not use your electrobrains for a single minute, stopping your dreams from being devored by trying to keep you awake, and then playing your personal therapist to transfer all your negativity onto me isn't really what I'm paid for, I think.
To the scary ones - it's not my job to fix you or to help you become a better person. I'm not a prison warden or a spiritual reformer. I'm just here to teach what is assigned to me and nothing more, and I'm doing a really sad job at it already. It's not my problem that you all suck and I don't think that my integrity or my capacity is being questioned if I am not able to do anything about you. Trying to be nice to those who don't deserve to be nice is foolish.
To the ones that don't care that I exist - I love you all. Continue to ignore my existence as I don't really want anything to do with those who don't want anything to do with me.
What am I going to do about these young ones? I do not know, for now I need to learn. I get disappointed and start to question my competency whenever I couldn't really dominate and exert control over the young ones, but I need to remember that even the elders have problems with them and that I'm not built for this. Their blood is still fresh and sizzling. They're too sheltered and unaware of the existence outside so no amount of reality tests can wake them up, and the Malkavians that assert the young minds have started to fade ever since the Reawakening. The old ways that I've been using isn't working. I need to adapt to all this to survive, or else the only choice I have is to flee like I always do from all the pressure when I can't take it anymore.
Across the other front, I'm an anomaly that walks among the elders because my sire hooked up at high places to get me in here. I expected my sire to guide me through my daily ordeals but she's busy now, and all she can do is ask me how I'm doing and then express frustration when I complain to her about the things that she had left behind. I'm abandoned and thrown right into the jyhad and everyone around me just wants to use me like the powerless pawn that I am. I exist among unethical and self-preserving elders that continue to violate the Masquerade no matter how many warnings that are given to them, and they just use their power and abuse their connections to get whatever they want. They're also really bad at whatever they're doing, and rarely listen to me and what I have to say. If I say something, they immediately consider it as a threat to their integrity that they get defensive and they ask me to shut up and to not ask any questions, while all I was trying to do was learn from them.
For the most part, complaining to her is useless as she is in no position to do anything about these problems, and all she can do is ignore what I get to say, give a passive reply, get worried about me, or just get fed up with all the negativity I dump onto her. I do find it useful when I ask a specific question related to something that she does have an idea of and she offers interesting solutions, so that's what I am going to do from now. Only talk about relevant things, and avoid using my sire as a trauma dump.
My boss of the coterie though, he's peak incompetent. He lies... he confabulates I mean, he doesn't believe the things I say even if it's true, he doesn't really care about a lot of things and asks me to "take the priviliege", and he just throws me out there, unprepared, and expecting me to "learn the trade" on my own, and all of this is just bullshit. I complain to my sire about it, and she expects me to make things worse, but I'm forced to be part of this coterie, so I really can't afford making enemies of them, and all I can do is comply and work along with them. It's better that way, and I've already created enough problems in such a short time that I need to stay low and away from the lime light. I'm tired of drawing all the attention that I get. What's going to happen if I complain about him or do something that's going to make him feel bad? He's going to change? Useless. He's useless.
I finally survive through all this shit, and what do I get once I get out? A lonely broken Nos who is missing my presence and is struggling to do something with the time that I left behind, and making me feel guilty that I'm not paying much attention to him. I really don't know if this is normal, or if I'm just letting everything engulf me and I need to focus more on self-preservation and only things that matter to me, and things I can do something about. There's too many fucks that I'm supplying to everyone around me that I could really conserve.
What can I even do about all these things?
I'll think about it some other day. Now, I'm just going to watch Dune: Part Two because I'm tired of worrying about everything and I really need to take my mind away from all this pain.
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